Missing Link

We’re big John Vlismas fans at the Link, that’s why we got as excited as a single Mum at the Twilight premiere when he sent us his 10 tips for not sucking. John doesn’t suck at all, ergo…

1.) Don’t take yourself seriously – even if you’re telling people the world is going to end, do you really want to bum people out as the wave hits?
2.) Don’t find your own jokes funny, let the audience do that – that’s their only job. Nothing is worse than someone trying to force a bad joke down your throat.
3.) Know your stuff. If you’re seriously going to read the powerpoint to me, just mail it out – we probably read better than you in our heads. Besides, if you’re reading, you don’t know what’s coming, someone else has phrased it and ultimately it means you don’t care, so how important is this?
4.) Stop being so nervous – with all the really bad stuff going on the world, do you really think that standing up and talking is such a big deal? Put it in context – you could be a blue fin tuna trying to get laid in the Gulf of Mexico right now. Overestimating the risk is so Republican.
5.) Sweat is creepy, unless we’re in bed with you – the more you think about it, the more it happens, see – you’re sweating just reading this.
6.) Use as few words as you can to get your info across – nobody wants to waste precious life as you knot your sentences so they entangle you like deadly kelp. Brevity is more important than most people will ever understand.
7.) Read the crowd. So many suits get up, drop their chin into their collar and bore people to death for the next forty minutes. Pay attention to the people, and respond to them – once we sniff that you’re just wading through info, we feel your pain and tune out.
8.) Make the material alive by caring about it, finding the salient and vital info and spinning it somehow so we care about it’s future.
9.) Keep reminding us that you are one of us – we will give you more chances if you are one of us.
10.) Take a hostage – if all else fails – hold a life in the balance – just make sure it’s someone most of the audience like.