Missing Link

(To the tune of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air – sing it in your head)

So, this is a story all about how a little Tebo is working for us again now
He is a bit of a show off, but sit right there, and I’m sure you’ll agree he’s the king of bad hair

Is was Northern Gauteng, smog and haze, selling Cortinas is what he did most of the days
Wearing golf pants with waist-coats and trying to look cool
Like Mr T with polio, but don’t sass him, fool!

When a couple of guys, who were up to no good
Hired him for a second time for some reason and now we have to deal with him when we thought we were in the clear, which is fine, since clients seem to like him and he sometimes helps make lunch and stuff.
(Not) The end (I’m afraid)

Beneath Grant’s rather rough, furrowed-brow and brash exterior lies the heart of a true team player. Kind, empathetic and a free spirit, he shares his time between making the most beautiful, inspirational visual aids and reading his poetry at créches across JHB. Once, when he was working with puppies on his weekend…

No, I can’t do it anymore. Grant actually IS what he appears to be. What you see on the surface goes straight like a sucker punch through his entire grumpy body. His catch-phrase is “Shut UP!”

Nic, being the vandalising slacker that he is, needed some help in the animation department. Missing Link, being the caucasian controlled powerhouse that it is, needed some more tones. So, with Wandu, we have a new animator, who works in colour (get it?)!

He keeps telling us he has to “leave the office to go to college” – with his size and build, we think he’s moonlighting as a stripper at night.

Yes, we know she’s got a name like a stripper, and a body to match, but unless you like 6’7” girls pushing your head down your neck, I wouldn’t suggest trying to stuff singles into her undies.

She’s heading up the client lovin’ side of things, a vocation she practices (apparently quite tenaciously) on her new bf, Ryno.

So, sorry to all you interested male (but we’re not picky) clients – she’s taken (quite a lot, according to Ryno). But that doesn’t put any of us hungry little capitalists above a little soliciting. And she’s so quiet, no one ever need know… Call us!

Jarred is the result of close family bonding in the small town of Ladysmith (which, I’m told, is somewhere just outside of a whole bunch of other places you’re likely to get trapped and eaten in). Somehow, between pulling up carrots and fighting off his cousins inebriated advances, he found time to teach himself how to edit by the ol’ still out back.

He’s come fairly far since then, having done a whole lot of things that don’t involve manual labour. He still likes to dream about the old country, but we’re pretty keen on keeping him here – he plays a mean mouth organ and is an amazing photographer. Just ask his sister.

Viv is also fairly new here, but works on the considerable task of keeping us healthy with Esther. Although she’s far more fashion conscious, she’s not afraid to get her hands dirty… or complain loudly about it afterwards.

I’m actually embarrassed to say I don’t know more about her… I can’t imagine she’s avoiding, me? Surely? Hmm…

Esther is really the mother of the office. Aside from caring for all her own children, she cares for all of us – making sure we’re fed and happy, and not dying of some debilitating disease caused by Jason’s dirty bandages, left over take-aways or old chicken bones left under the fridge – we’re all a bunch of pigs.

She’s always got a smile ready for you, and maybe even a kind word – we can never really hear what she’s saying. From all of us, thanks Ester Molester for keeping us alive.

Janine also can’t seem to get away from us. She’s left, come back, left again. Come back again, and now sits in that patch of indecisiveness where decisions are made. She’s quiet enough, but don’t ever think that her bark is any measure of her bite. She makes pitbulls cry.

She’s the one who looks after making sure payments are made on time. And, if you aren’t sweating, you should be…

Nic does most of the motion graphics for your videos (motion graphics: pretty, flashy shit that looks sweet). In his free time, of which he has a fair amount, being a lazy bastard, he puts paint on your walls. The swoopy, colourful ‘youth orientated’ kind you generally haven’t asked for.

Despite this, Nic is the quiet savant. Too much paint inhalation has caused some sort of nerve damage – so quiet, expressionless, savant. He has a face like Leonardo DiCaprio in that movie about the guy? With the thing on his face? I think it was made out of metal?

Titanic. That was it.

Due to his hobbies, Jason is the most hospital frequenting member of staff. Both his arms are bent like bows, he has more scar-tissue than a bad propeller repairman, and a posture that is way to advanced for his young years.

Think ‘Frankenstein’s Monster’ with tattoos.

Despite all his issues, both physical and death-wish related, he still managed to be one of the most up-beat (as opposed to ‘beat-up’) people you’ll meet (might be brain-damage), and he’s worked his way to senior editor. Which means you have to deal with him a lot more than we do now.

The idiom ‘You are what you eat’ has never been more evident in our young Gav – he actually looks, walks and talks like the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. He’s our resident vegan, so the reasons for the above comparison and the comparison itself are strangely ironic – he has a huge heart.

He is also our reigning fingerboard champion – which is the rather juvenile act of sticking a teensy miniature skateboard to his fingers (so it’s not just a clever name) and ‘skating’ it all over our kitchen. We’re not jealous of his title, we know he’s good. We just think he’s used to playing with 3” of wood.

Ryan used to be the guy I’d warn you to keep your daughter/s away from before he starting secretly snogging our account manager. Now we think he’s settled down and, as such, I have nothing interesting to write about him. Apart from the aforementioned snogging, and she’s hot (but more on that later)!. Oh, wait! What am I saying! And here’s some info that some how doesn’t affect the aforeaforementioned relationship.

He has a tiny alcohol problem – like Micky Rourke soaked in turpentine. His hair looks like an elephant came in it, and then pulled him through it’s digestive system backwards (which has happened once before). And he dresses like he stole clothes off a Pep mannequin. 20 years ago. In the little girl’s section.

He really is one of the funniest people you’ll ever meet. We laugh at him almost constantly.

‘Quiet’ doesn’t begin to describe Inger. Neither does ‘blue’, tow-truck‘ or ‘Thursday’. Her family name doesn’t help with her description, being that no one here can pronounce it. I’ll write it here for you, and I want you to go home, and rehearse this li’l tongue-twister in front of the mirror. ‘Inger Holstvig Færch’. Ten times. In the mirror. Then let us know how you did it.

Why do you have to get her name right? Well, as the newest member of our Bad Presentation Assassination Squad, you’re going to be dealing with the little ginger snap a fair amount. Don’t stress about the ‘red hair’ thing. For one, it’s not real. Two, she’s really good. Three, all her pants are really tight.

See? See?! We’ve gone BEE! And, after a rather nasty scooter *snicker* accident, he fulfills TWO of our requirements! Self high-five!

Mpho also takes part in the creation of visually stimulating presentations with the rest of the team. After hours he takes part in ‘visually stimulating’ photography of himself. He looks like a psychotic mop, brought to life through terrible 80’s music, after a bad acid come-down, redrawn as a cartoon and rendered in the photo-negative. Check the ‘visually stimulating’ photos on Facebook (he’s probably lurking in the back of one of yours) if you don’t believe me.

If we didn’t have Sir Tammalot, nothing in our personal lives would get done (we’re always busy, and we’re mostly dudes, so we don’t know how to do most stuff). She’s always there with a smile and a cup of your preferred beverage, making your (yes, YOU – I’m talking to you!) meetings at our office awesome. She’s the first to jump in and help, and the last to use an unkind word.

Ok, enough with the good stuff.

Tammy drinks like a pirate, hunts wild rhino every fortnight and hooks for extra cash to contribute to the ‘Feed the Homeless to the Homeless fund’. Kidding!

Or am I…? In all things there is a balance, and she can’t be THAT sweet, without having a matching dark side…

It’s morning, and the panicked cry of “Rooooooooooooooob!” rings out through the jungle, startling birds and waking dormant Linkies with fright. Strapped with his loincloth, toolbelt and strapping, swoonable pecs, brave Rob swings from desk to desk, correcting our little tech ‘whoopsies’, fixing the stuff we break, finding new tech, running around to pick up dongles and wotnot that we lose and getting Rich…! a new machine pretty much every week.

Apart from the above, his hobbies include getting 3rd degree sunburn on his sensitive parts, eating 7 times a day (strapping pecs don’t strap themselves, you know) and being quiet.

Gaff is the senior strategist of the company. This means that he makes sure (whether you like it or not) that you don’t blur the messages in your presentation. He also moonlights as the company enforcer and debt collector – making sure you pay for his/our brilliance. Whether you like it, or not. He has a fondness for really big tattoos and smashing things, old cars and hard-core ‘rap’ music, and doing pretty much ANYTHING he gets dared to do. Do NOT ask him to show you the ‘shocked nuts’ video!

Oh, he also ‘Pimps’ people’s ‘ride’s in his spare time.

[Edit: Also don’t ask him to show you the ‘tattooed ass’ video]

Dayle is a MMA fighting, desk smashing, violent yelling little Care Bear. He has his moments of lucidity, but is mostly found hunched over his MacBook, mumbling some metal track or other, or speaking in half sentences. He’s still here as Wolf’s right hand (see above for dubiously humourous reference), but fast on his way to becoming an editor to. You know what they say about ‘Jack of all trades’…

We love having him here almost as much as he likes getting his hair styled.

Wolf is part of the old guard. He’s personally responsible for helping all the little newbies find their feet once joining, and turning them into little Wolflets. Which is a good thing (mostly)! Wolf bridges the gap between strategy and implementation – so he thinks about your content as well as making it pretty. He also bridges the gap between sexual preference – he likes men, but has a mouth like a Afrikaans Rugby player. Don’t tempt him…

So, he’s the gay grandfather. A real wolf pack might find him strange, but he’s totally at home here. Actually… we find him strange too.

If we had a big, gold trophy for ‘Most Valuable Staff Member’ (which we totally should have), it would go to D’ave – uncontested. He carries the intellectual weight of the company on his muscled shoulders, and holds our hopes in his beautiful, artistic (and yet manly) hands. He runs (or rather, sprints) the strategy department, but also edits, does the books, and helps Sam and Donovan do their jobs. It’s not a rare sight to see D’ave working through the night to finish up everyone else’s work (allowing them to have calm time) before flying off to the World Capoeira Championships – which he’s won every year since 1974 (5 years before he was born).

We’re expecting his true superhero powers to manifest any day now, so he can use his down-time to battle crime in the skies above Cape Town with laser eyes, and claws of adamantium. He also writes the blurbs for this site.